Embrace It!

Full of up and down,

That’s what life is on average,

Sometimes you’re the king, sometimes clown,

You’re the curtain raiser of the stage.

It’s your strength, your flaws,

All yours to decide,

No one else to label on your jaw,

Or any namesake to append otherwise.

Hold together darlings,

Say to your dear teddy,

That the sky is our limit,

Not going to stop between.

We are sisters,

Bonded over grief, out of denial,

No one can break it,

No matter how much they try.

Often it happens in our life that we let others step in and let them label us. They label us cute, loving, caring, beautiful, brilliant, vibrant etcetera. But these are the labels that we love to flaunt on ourselves along with hearts and stars. 

Yet this is the dewy part of the story. And unfortunately most of the cases are not these. Most of the time people step in far beyond they should and they call you different names like crazy, stupid, dumbass, loser, cynical, bitch, slut whatever else. Whatever that you wouldn’t want to be labeled as. And we let them do this also. 

But question comes WHY? Why do we allow them, why do we take a back seat and let them handle our life as if it’s some public issue to comment upon? Who are they? Who are they to hurt your emotions? Who are they to judge upon you? Who are they to make you feel low? To take you granted? They are just nobody. If they were somebody then they would have never hurt you this way.

The most important love in this world is love for yourself. Until you have don’t love yourself, you can’t love others. You will be a caged bird. A caged bird who sings, entertains others but inside itself it’s full of pain and scars. Do you want to be the caged bird? No? Then darling, learn to know, love and embrace whatever you are.

I learnt this after a long battle of dignity, after losing myself again and again, after that the space inside me which deserves to be filled with love, instead it was filled with dejection and projection. They were no body to tell me what to do or what not. They were not my parents, hence had no right. Do hell! It’s me who allowed them. My fault.

I should have stopped them and showed the exit. For which I have suffered enough. So my dear friend, hold on a while, and think are you labeled the way you don’t want to be? Think that is there anyone who has interfered more in your life than they should have? Are there any weeds around you? Their Then tell them that the show is over, they can get the coats to home. Because life is precious. You are precious, friend.

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Linking the post to A-Z Challenge and also to Magpie Tales.

Dreams And Destiny

He kicked the stone with all the frustration built up inside him. The tiny body fled in the night sky landing far away, unscathed. The temperature was down, still the day’s warmth was intact in some part. He drank from the bottle, swearing under breath, tears trembling in his eyes. How many days more? Months? Years? How much more?

The questions had turned mute like the night. He had left everything behind to go along with his dreams. He went against his parents’ wish, refused to bend down to friends’ comments. The only thing evident in his mind was his dream. For that dream he woke up every morning. For that dream he breathed everyday. Before he knew it, his dream had replaced his life. They pervaded everywhere like the smell of burning cheese that you can’t avoid. But now he felt like it’s done. He can’t do it anymore. Even after giving his best the dream kept eluding him like that girl in white dress ascending from heaven, leading you into the labyrinth. And he doesn’t know how long he can keep going after it.

So then? It’s done. It’s over. As they keep saying it’s in your destiny. So he will simply blame on his destiny and move on?  He head hurt with it. He felt like falling from great height.

He had no idea what to do. He had no idea how to keep the struggle going on. He didn’t know when to quit. He didn’t know who is going to win, his hope or everyone’s prediction.

Also what he didn’t know that the very next day he would bump into someone who would give him a big hand into the next step towards his dream. He also didn’t know by next year his name would be in air. He also didn’t know that within few years he would become someone else’s muse.

Who knows what else is there in tomorrow? Who knows how far it is before your dream actually becomes a reality? Who knows who between your dream and destiny will win? May be it’s just you standing between these two. May be you just left when there was only one step left.

A little note: I rarely write on abstract topic because I am not that good at it. I start somewhere and end somewhere I hadn’t contemplated. The same thing happened above too. But I had to write about it. I just couldn’t help.

I won’t believe if you say anyone walks on the earth without the weight of dream inside them. Everyone has got a dream of their own. It might not be as convincing as yours, yet it’s theirs. Some dream of getting successful, some dream of fame, some dream of being rich, some just dream of dreams.

Some dream to be the best in something, some dream to just make new records, while some dream to be wrapped up like me to stay inside the fragrance of stories.

Some dream of love, some dream of marriage, some dream of children, while some dream of getting old in their partner’s arm.

Dreams can be silly, dreams can be funny, dreams can be far, dreams can be yearning. Dreams can knock on the door or bump in the crowd. Dreams can be the flash of smile or dreams can be waves around. Dreams can be anything but unreal. And they don’t leave you, it’s you who leave their hand.

Remember that everyone had a point in their life when they wanted to discard their dream and move on. Among them who didn’t, the next day’s sun was the brightest in their life. It has happened with anyone’s name you read on covers or credit rolls or some billboards. Just a little more to go. That’s all you need.

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Linking the post to A-Z Challenge.

C for ... Child

Sana paced through along the length of dusty corridor like some maniac bat-bitten old lady. The pressure cranked inside her making her heave hollow breathes.

“Damn Danny! Damn it” She looked at him expecting some kind of solution yet he looked as clueless as her. No one in there knew what to do. Not Angela who was on verge of crying. Not Andy who was jarred with so many feelings and confessions.

In fifteen minutes they needed to show up at judge with father of the child. That irresponsible shameless person who didn’t even recognize Angela when she showed up with her baby bump, had blamed her, they were expecting that same fool to show up before judge along with the crowd just as much ceremoniously as the adoption formalities needed. So that her baby won’t be abandoned, family-less growing up on country-service fund, wearing hands down clothes.

The lanky office boy appeared again, informing them that it is their turn. Angela looked pathetically at the parking lot, begging that the expectant fool will show up. She prayed that at least this time she will be less embarrassed. At least for once she deserved to be held along.

They all prepared to enter the room. They all hoped there would be some way to convince the judge that adoption could be done solely by mother without any intervention of father. There seemed no sense in this law. It was like either pull your socks up full and live in warmth under fire and if your socks is torn then you may roll in snow and rot in cold. Sana and Danny entered together holding hands praying for some miracle. Angela sighed heavily clutching the broken heart and rose from her seat.

“One minute Angela.” Andy’s voice pushed Angela back to the seat.

Andy came and slowly went down on his knees. His face was near to her, so near that it reminded her of the human warmth she had missed from a long time.

“We knew this situation was a probability. And we had discussed it before. Me, Sana and Danny. Well everyone hit dead end I had one way out.” He shook his head. “I didn’t tell anyone then and had hoped that I wouldn’t have to tell it anyone ever.” He paused. “But before anything I need your assent.”

“What are you talking about?” Angela voice croaked.

Andy popped in his lips. He knew when the words are out, the control will be gone from his hand. Rest will be mere repercussion. He swallowed the silence and carefully formed the word. “Since the day you walked into the apartment with Sana, since the moment my eyes fell on you, I am in kind of awe with you. For days I have struggled with it, fought with it, unsure of it.”

Angela shifted a bit in place. But she didn’t speak. She was scared for any words to ruining everything.

“I have never been so driven in my life. Every time I am around you I feel protective of you. I feel good when you laugh, the best when I am the reason. I hate it when something out of blue brings back the pain to you. I want to bust all those bad memories. I want to kiss away your pain.”

“Shit” Andy muttered “I sound kinda teenager.”  A crack of smile appeared on Angela’s face behind the flow of hot tears.

Andy lowered his head, staring at the narrow feet of Angela for a minute before looking back at her eyes.

“Angela.” He spoke gently like her name was some fragile popsicle. “It might not be the perfect place or time. I might not even be the perfect guy. Yet you once said perfect is boring. So would you just like to give me a chance to make our life bit more imperfect and less boring?

 “And also would you give me the opportunity to be the father of the child in that room? No. Not because my sister needs the baby and it will solve all the trouble.  It’s because I want to hold you in there. You don’t deserve to go alone all your own. Would you Angela?”

The answer was there in Angela’s eyes as she sat there biting her lips, her hands caressing the mound.

A few days back when her results were positive she was shocked and but she couldn’t kill the child no matter how much easier that sounded than raising a child all alone. She felt like the child was a blessing. Not exactly the way you pray for but the child was blessing in disguise. She met Sana though her business and became friends. Sana and Danny were trying for a child from past six years. When Angela came to know about it, she offered them for the adoption. Not because she didn’t love her child. Rather she wanted a better future for her child. She didn’t have anyone. What if something happens to her, where the child would end up?

Sana offered her a place to stay as a tenant to her brother, Andy. Angela didn’t know she would ever meet a person who will come up over all the prejudices and become best friend. And now? He was confessing his feelings? Where did it all come from? She couldn’t think of anything else than this godly child.

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B for...Bravery

It was not easy for her, no at all usual. Girls don’t answer back on face, that’s what she was brought upon. Girls are not meant to stand tall and look into the eyes, that’s what she was taught since beginning. But whenever those boys tailed around her, passing ugly comments shamelessly, she used to forget all those lessons that her parents had knotted inside her mind. She used to go blank out of rage momentarily. But never reply back. She would cry every night, muffling her face in the pillow. How long would this go on? How many more years? How many more girls will be dragged naked? How many lives will be spoiled in the circle of pain, regret and revenge? Lots of question, no answer.

But today every boundary was crushed. As usual she was going for her college when one boy had gripped a corner of her dupatta while she was crossing the road. In a flicker of anger, she turned around and her hand flung in air, landed in a tight slap on the boys face. Everything froze around her.

She stood firm there, reaching to his eyes with hers.

“Don’t you dare.” She repeated tight lipped. “Don’t you dare to ever come before or else..”

“Aaaee.. you girl..you don’t know what we are...” One of the boy from the group came speedily towards but stopped when her burning eyes turned to him.

“What are you? Who are you? What will you do? Will you kidnap me? Will you rape me? Will you burn me with acid? Will you sell my flesh? You dirty spineless from gutter. Have you ever seen yourself? Even you mother is ashamed that she fed you on her breast. What else can you do? What else? Show me.” She stepped forward, not moving her forceful glare. “Come. Show me what you got.”

Drops of sweat had started to dot on the boy’s face. She laughed hard and loud as if it was a manifestation to everyone.

“You can’t do anything. You are those limbless poor creature rolling over dirt. Go home.” She spitted on ground and turned back, walking in the way she was two minutes back.

For the first minute in her life she felt secured, she had felt protected. She didn’t want anyone else then. More than anyone’s protect she needed her self confidence. A little bravery was all needed. She wished she done this before. It came late, but she was happy that it came. Bravery.

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Acceptance

Sudha opened the door, not only to the unwelcoming summer afternoon heat but also something quite unexpected. Her eyes blazed, feet got cold.

“Ma!” Arup spoke slowly, just a hair louder than murmur and that bi-lettered word was enough to make her throat dry and memories to run back home. Sweet memories, followed by bitter ones.

Arup stood outside carrying his three year old son, Armaan. Armaan hung to his neck like some scared little monkey. At that moment Arup might have cried, either out of pleasure of seeing his mother after long five years or out of pity towards this motherless child who was clinging to him furiously. But they have been through so much that somehow even tears had deserted them, somewhere in middle.

Sudha couldn’t comprehend what was going. She had no clue what his son and grandson were doing outside all of sudden. She didn’t call them. Not even once in last five years. Then why now? Now that she has settled down on her and gradually mastered the skill of sharing her feelings with these old, empty walls of house. Why now? She left the door open in bewilderment and came inside, letting them follow.

Arup came inside, and whispered to his son, “Armaan, look. She is Daadi. You wanted to meet her naa? Go beta. Go to her.” But the child refused to let the clasp around Arun’s neck loose. His big eyes stared innocently at this gnarled emaciated unknown face next to her.

A small sob escaped Sudha.

Arup stepped nearer to his mother, and stood there patting the child. “Go beta. Don’t be scared.”

Sudha’s trembling hand moved forward in summoning the child. Tears cradling on her eyes broke loose in small rivulets as Armaan left Arup’s neck to climb onto her. She held the little boy close to her chest as if she could confine him in there. But realization tore through the emotion as she felt his body was terribly heating up.

“He is running with temperature.” It was more of a statement than a question.

Arup nodded, rubbing his face with hands. “Since Kavya left us, five days back he has barely eaten anything. He was asking for his mother only.”

 “Kavya left?? Where? That stupid irresponsible girl. Shameless.”

Arup stared at his mother’s oblivious face. He didn’t how to tell her everything. How to tell her that Kavya didn’t deserve all these bitter words. Never once.

“Kavya is no more, Ma. She is no more.”

Sudha felt as if the ground was shaking violently and any moment it would be ripped open and gulp her down. When? How? She was too young for any such thing.

She clearly remembered, the first time she had seen Kavya. She was a little chirrupy girl when her family had moved to their neighborhood. Both the families had bonded instantly. Arup and Kavya were of same age, had attended same school and college. All of sudden one day Arup had come, confessing that they loved each other. It was shocking for both of the families. Since that day everything went rigid between them. In no way they could accept this relationship. Arup’s family was of higher caste. What would the relatives say? What would the society say?

As Arup and Kavya both had got jobs and they left. Two months later Arup called home asking them if they could come down to attend their marriage. And in return there was a firm denial from both of the families. And that was also last communication between them and their families. Both of them tried to contact to their families, cooing them, begging them, in every occasion they got. Yet their calls were always unanswered. Time fled by, Armaan was born and they thought that life finally brought them the happiness they deserved. Now their family is complete. But…

“What are you saying Arup? Are you mad? What happened to Kavya? Where is she? Tell me Arup, tell me.” A shell-shocked Sudha held Arup’s shoulder, demanding for futile answers.

Arup fell to his knees weakly, unable to form any word. How will he tell her the last six months, their battle with cancer, uncountable trips of chemo, the suffering and wailing of Kavya. How he held Kavya’s withering body while she breathed her last. How he had to finally sell their house to pay the medical bill.

He need not to, he decided. There is no need of that. He controlled himself and stood again.

“She just died, Ma.” He fisted all other details, refusing to let out anything.

Sudha nodded to him, even though she wanted to ask him more. She knew he didn’t have strength right now to tell her anything. Whatever happened was too much for them. It’s better not to dig the fresh grave again. She was a mother, at least this much she could tell about her son.

Arup held his hands out to Armaan, gesturing to come back to him. But the boy didn’t. He put his head in Sudha’s nape in refusal.

“I just thought if I bring Armaan to you at least he will eat something. From a long time he was asking for you. Anyway we will leave now.”

Arup dragged Armaan from Sudha and turned back to leave but stopped as Sudha spoke.

“Where are going Arup. Come inside. Can’t you see hot it is outside and you are roaming around with a fevered child? Get in and get freshened. And leave the boy to me. He needs care. Not you. You can’t even take care of yourself. How will take care of a small boy? Leave him to me.”

Arup turned back, staring blankly at his mother. Finally the acceptance had come. The acceptance which they had craved everyday, had held themselves guilty. Only if Kavya was there, only if, he thought. But she was not. Was she the price of the acceptance that came too late?

He stood there, mulling over that thought, unable to rationalize as the summer sun waned like the hatred in Sudha and but the night rose as bewilderment in Arup.

 Linking this post to the A to Z challenge.