TWO STARS AND A MOON-11

Somehow I had to step out of my room at last. At least Preeti had lost her sanity regarding me lying in that room for any more days. She even suggested my Mom that vasstu of my room could be the reason of my downfall and the renovation of it could change everything, as if she didn’t know the reason of my doom. All that mattered to her at that moment to kick me out of the box.

And she finally did. I couldn’t afford missing classes anymore owing to attendance shortage. I had to anyhow find a way out to stand there among all, bravely face them and I did.

The same old routine hit back into life. We boarded the same bus from the same bus-stop. There first glance of Arnav walking to stop was unbearably heartbreaking. He came in the same manner; his steps same slow and steady and head titled down watching the road. I couldn’t stop myself staring at him wadding like that. After a long time, before our ominous trip to that untraceable village, I had his last glimpse. After that the air between took a wrong turn.

He lifted his head and his eyes met mine and I saw a tint of glow instantly in it. Ohh! I missed those beautiful and persuasive eyes, simply moulded with simplicity, a natural and humiliating tendency of mine. But then again I was so shattered inside that, that look on him crushed me more only. I threw my head in opposite direction.

There weren’t many changes to notice in college. Just the tall eucalyptus trees in campus grew taller; the white-washed college frontier was browner, the corridor was louder and around five dozens of junior year students were engaged with seniors.

But the reason of staying lost for such a long period was not so easy to explain. My entrance raised many brows who were perhaps convinced that I was lost, kidnapped or dead. I ignored them all and it was not that difficult. But the real difficult test was waiting before me; Arnav and Manishaa walking together. It still carried the same searing effect as it had when I heard it for the first time.

He nonchalantly proceeded in my direction with that fake-queen Manishaa in his arms and I watched them laughing together on some funny secret joke. May be it’s me they were laughing at for being such a stupid.

Dozen of bullets punctured through my heart. It was hard to decipher Arnav. For while, I was slightly convinced of his emotions for me seeing the flash of relief and regret on his face at bus-stop. But again he was here, sauntering towards me with Manishaa, holding hands, sharing a big smile and attending some secrets that Manishaa blew in Arnav’s ear that made him laugh more.

Everyone else around me was in rush, busy in their own work while I stood as statue in corridor, watching them stepping into my direction. While crossing me, Manishaa took a turn around Arnav, tossing their joined hands from left to right over his head. The action diminished the thin gape between their bodies and pushed Arnav to his left a bit. His shoulder brushed mine, like touch of electricity spreading enormous vibration and shock through out the whole body. Manishaa did it so deliberately that nobody would ever doubt on her intention, but I knew her intentions very well. The triumphant smile and sharp fiery gazes were undeniable proofs of her victory over my love.

Moisture stung through my eyes. I closed them tight, and hid my face.

“She is a bitch!” Preeti angrily commented.

“Still she has him.”

Preeti nudged me from sides.

“Remember to behave. At least try to look normal, not like you are the recent victim of some harassment.”

I looked at her piteously.

“I was better in home, Preeti. Why did you drag me here?” My voice creaked.

“No ! You have to face the situation. You can’t always run away like this. Whatever it is, it is the reality and you have to accept it.” She stomped her foot hard on ground. She was angry with the situation and blamed Arnav for all my miseries.

She marched into the classroom and I plodded behind her. We chose the seats two rows before last bench instead the first one avoiding everyone's accusing glances. Still some dared to turn their head turn their head and then again whisper to the person sitting next to them.

As we took the seat, like a flock of crow, Manishaa came with her chic gang and sat behind us. Damn! Now I wanted to curse her as bitch as she started her bitching.

I closed my eyes and clutched my hands into fist pounding on legs, trying to gather some courage, not to leave the class in middle. The knuckles went white. I felt a warm hand over it.

“It’s fine. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. If you don’t feel fine, then we can skip this class.” Preeti said caressing the knuckles.

I nodded. “I can’t always keep avoiding it, Preeti. One day I have to face them all. Then why not to make today as that day.” I gave her a faint smile with a deep breath.

The class started. We sat there continuously for next three hours and through out the time I could hear giggles, hushes from the back bench. They left no stone unturned in bitching. I heard a few faint words like Arnav, Manishaa , outing, shopping, chatting. I didn’t know how much it was truth and how much were just colored fake. But I didn’t lose my temper. Each minute lengthened and seemed unbearable, but then I consoled myself.

 Finally the classes ended. As soon as the bell rang, I voluntarily jumped out of my seat and fluidly left the class before anyone did. The corridor was sparse. Not many students were out of their class. I scooted out towards principal’s office. I had to give some excuses for my long absent. I had a fake medical report that said I was suffering from malaria. I submitted at the office counter and the lady behind the counter also believed it. She was too cautious and worried. On seeing me, her forehead wrinkled and eyes declined in sympathy. Do I look so bad then?

I saw pain in her eyes. May be she had lost someone near and dear to Malaria.

Preeti came huffing and panting when I came out the office and looked at me accusingly.

“All of sudden, where did you run away?”

  “I had some work in principals’ office.”

“Oh. I searched you through the whole college and you are here. Let’s go to notice board.”

“Why?”

“Just like that. I saw a crowd covering the notice board. There must be something out. Let’s go and check.”

It was something that would keep me busy instead of sitting idle in the class room. We walked to the notice board. Preeti was right. There was an excited crowd around notice board as if it held Marilyn Monroe’s famous gown flying in air photo.

Preeti barged though the crowd and read the notice board from to tip to end. I stood out there leaning over the boundary railing and waited preeti to come out. She took solid fifteen minutes and came out again elbowing some boys and cursing them.

“Wow.” Her eyes were widened and her mouth was open in surprise. I didn’t say anything and let her get over of her star-struck situation. It took another fine minute for her to speak the next word.

“Guess what! Annual function. Three days long. Two weeks more.”

From her blabbering I surmised that a three days long annual function was to held two weeks later.

By then Preeti was standing on her toes with exultation. May be she was trying to levitate. Uff...

  “Preeti, it’s just annual function. Not some orgy on alien planet.”

“Oh..you are such a bore. It’s college annual function unlike the school function. 

There is going to be lots of fun. Hohhooohoo..” She started making some weird tribal sounds that scared me a lot. I thought for a while she was possessed.

“Calm down, Preeti. You are making a scene.”

“Okay.” She stopped her strange acting. “But there are only two weeks left. How are we gonna do it?”

“What did you have in your mind?” Must be something awfully crazy.

“Hmm..lots. We have lots of shopping to do. And lots of discussion. And lots preparation too.” Her teeth still continued to flash publicly. She couldn’t stop smiling.

“I’m not coming to it, Preeti.”

She halted there in middle.

“So you are gonna leave me alone to all these?” She said exhibiting a childish face, blinking her eyes what looked like one hundred times per minute.

“Why will you be alone? There are so many students in here. You can go with them. I won’t mind.”

“Still without you I can’t do anything. You know it. If you are not coming, I’ll cancel mine too.”

“Preeti, Please try to understand me. I’m not in mental stability to handle all these.”

“I know..okay fine. Let’s forget about it.”

Her face fell dull all of sudden. The outpouring happiness disappeared to somewhere.

“Okay. Fine. I’ll come.” I couldn’t bear to hurt her. She jumped again in joy.

“Now lets go. Get ready in the evening. We need to go for shopping. Lots of shopping. Shopping malls, get ready. Girls are on their way.” She blew a strand of hair off her forehead and smiled. I smiled too and went to the class room.

As she had said, exactly after half an hour from college I found her banging at my door.

I exhaustedly looked at her. “Can’t we just postpone it tomorrow? I have to do a bit of study.”

“Nope. In present situation shopping is more important.” She wore a tight black jeans and a plaid shirt with vibrant lime-green check that clung to her skin exaggerating her body parts. Her hair hung loose in soft curls skimming past shoulder. I was sure she would be a eye-candy in market.

She finally dragged me out. Mom also didn’t deny as she wanted me to go out and hang in the fresh air too.

We roamed from shop to shop for dresses, heels, fancy jewelleries, cosmetics and perfumes and at the end returned home with four pairs of earrings and a bottle of perfume that has a distinguishing muskier smell.

“Great for today. Rest of the shopping will be done tomorrow.” Preeti declared.

I piteously looked at her, begging some mercy for my legs.

“Come on. Don’t be so lame and weak. We have a lot to shop.” She cheered up.

We returned our home. Somehow it was nice. After a long time I spent some hours so occupied that it didn’t allow me to think of Arnav. The whole evening was so wearying that I easily slipped to a deep slumber without having to cry too.

TWO STARS AND A MOON-10

I cringed at the cue. My hands trembled. I watched at the door then eyes moved to the cut and then again to the door. Who could it be at the door?  Blood had drawn a thick line of blood along the cut and was to drop on the bed. I grabbed an old cloth from cloth-stack and soaked the blood before their drip.

I heard another two consecutive knocks followed by Preeti’s tone. “Ava. I know you are in there. Open the door!” She said leaning on the door, I sensed so.

“Yeah. Coming.” I held on the cut applying more force and wiped it again and again till the blood stopped pushing out. In the faint luminosity, as I had switched off all the main lights in room except the faint moonlight filtered through the window, it was thin, still merciless and disgusting with bloods sticking around it. It made my empty stomach growl. Of course I was no vampire! I jumped off the bed and went to open the door.

“Whee! What happened to the lights?” Preeti frowned as I opened the door.

“Nothing. I have just turned them off.” My voice was raspy. I had barely talked  to anyone in the past few days.

“Why? You got your eyes traded with cats?? Or lions?” Her words were full of sarcasm. She looked clueless. She came from light and obviously, she could see nothing but darkness pervaded in my room. She moved foot-after-foot into room carefully not to stomp over anything while I nonchalantly ambled through it. My eyes were sagely adjusted to this light.

As I flicked the lights on, I heard a long gasp from behind. Preeti surely didn’t like the scenario of my room. In fact I also didn’t appreciate it much. That’s why I had it in dark.

“I think it was better with lights off.”

I remained silent.

“When was the last time anyone entered into your room?” She said looking at the piles of clothes here and there in small heaps.

I kept silence.

“So who else are the new habitants of your room?” Her gaze stopped at the tea stained mugs towered on table from where ants were queued up and also the cobwebs filling up roof corner and the workaholic spiders hanging from it.

Once again silence prevailed.

“Are you gonna answer me anything?”

Silence. Silence. Silence. A big silence this time. I heard her gasp with frustration.

“Fine. You seriously need to get out of this hell. Get ready. We are going out.” She ordered.

I loosened myself into the bed. “Not in mood.” I said leaning over the piles of pillow.

“Not in a mood! Then when will you be in mood? Look at yourself.”

It’s been a while since I had met my reflection. A long long while. There was so much inferiority stacked inside me for myself that I was dubious about praising myself in mirror again.

“You are coming with me. Until that I’m not going to anywhere and will stay till I fall unconscious breathing in this acrid air of your room.”

“Please. Try to understand. I just want to be alone. That’s all.”

“Listen darling. You have wasted enough time in name of reconstruction of past destruction. It’s high time for you to come out of shell.”

I scoffed. After a long time someone again picked up the topic that I want to avoid till the end of my breathing.

She grabbed my shoulder and dragged me out bed.

“When did you have your last bath?” She wrinkled her nose.

I seriously didn’t remember it. I chose to side up with silence.

“When will you stop giving me these torturous silent treatments?”

“I- um-just” I tried to say. But it seemed like the words on mind were off on a holiday.

“Fine. Just have a bath and get ready and we are going out and I’m not gonna take a NO for answer and by looking me you must have figured out how angry I’m and nothing can stop me from taking out of this and..”

“Take a breath. Relax.” I interrupted. She seriously didn’t look like someone who could be deterred. I went into bathroom.

I shuddered as water ran through hair paring the grime on my heated skin. I also put the fresh cut on wrist under running water and looked at it. After the wash it looked less frightening, just a bare reddish line cut bias the wrist next to the etched lines on skin.

 The splash of coldness was rejuvenating, refreshing and soothing; like a meditation. I stood under the shower still, without any soap or scrub, looking at the water drained into holes at the end, till I felt each inch of my skin swollen in wetness. I came out feeling better.

Preeti was standing with her back to me in an odd and frantic way.

“Why are you standing like this?” I asked her.

“Am I so distinct to you?” She asked. Her tone was grave and intense.

“What?”

“Didn’t anything cross your mind before doing it? Your parents, me or any fucking person..just anyone or anything in the world?”

I quizzically looked around and found the piece of cloth I had shrouded over the knife was gone. I glanced back at her in horror.

“Listen. I can explain this. I don’t know. I jus..”

“You don’t know? You have an explanation that is gonna justify your psychic act?” She whipped to face me with the knife propped before her. It had my blood thinly staining on the sharp edge from the tip to end and she was gripping it tight, pointing at me.

“I am sorry. Please, listen to me. At that time I was out of my mind.”

“When did you do it?” She was stern. Her round eyes were red with their tenuous veins bloated.

“Just before you knocked into the room.”

Her brows curved at center and face twisted in agony.

“Where have you cut yourself?”

I silently showed my wrist to her.

“Just one?”

I nodded.

She studied the cut. Tears fell violently from her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I just could not help myself then. It was like I was tired of the voices inside blaming myself. Please. Don’t cry. I promise, I’ll never do it again. I promise.”

“How could you just think of it? Trying to kill yourself? What would we do if you had..how would your parents face to that their only child killed herself because some headless ass didn’t love her. How could you do this to them?”

The idea sounded far silly and disgusting from her mouth than in my mind. Seriously how they would have reacted to it? Their hearts would be shattered. My Mom would have surely lost her sanity. The picture of them mourning around my dead body made me cry too.

“I have to say it to your Mom.” Preeti said wiping the tears that didn’t care to stop.

“No. Please. Please don’t tell it anyone. Please. I promise I won’t do it again. Please. It will kill them alive.” By then I had realized how awful the consequences of my act was.

Her eyes narrowed at me slyly.

“Promise Preeti. Forever kinda Promise.” I pleaded at her.

“Never ever dare to even think about it; unless even if you escape alive in your attempt, I’ll kill you afterwards.”

I nodded. We hugged. “What will I do to this silly girl?” She moaned and I smiled.

She picked out a pair of modest clothing for me. I dressed up and we got out of the house. Out in the free air, it felt like some prisoner grounded for years was relieved. The evening breeze gushed into me, tickling at my ear and tangling the small hairs on forehead along hairline. I felt like walking and Preeti also agreed.

Preeti then dragged me to a roadside vendor. He was selling all the spicy, mouth-watering chaats and panipuris on a cart. Preeti ordered two plates of chaat with extra spice. Only with two bites of it into my mouth, tears came into eyes. Still we continued, sobbing, smiling and racing who will finish it first. Though tear on my eyes was not significant those days but after a long time they were there for a gleeful reason. I was exhilarated deep down at my heart. A clenched clutch of pain was gradually loosening out.

Two hours back I was on spree to kill myself and then, standing on the road, I was breathing happiness from dusty air, conveying gratitude over Preeti’s perfect timing. May be this is what they call life and I was gradually getting along with it.

TWO STARS AND A MOON-9

After being fed with a whole week’s food within two days, we were spared to take our leave from there. I was all excited and relieved. But then again there lingered some uneasy unpredictability that clouded my instincts.

The moment we reached home, we were all tired to our cores but I flung myself out. There was a zest of queasiness that stood me next at Preeti’s door.Her mom opened the door. I greeted her and ran to Preeti’s room.

“Preeti.”I tried to be gentle on my voice.

“Hey Ava.” She took me in and closed the door behind.

Her room wasn’t messy as usual. It was odd for everything to be perfectly in their place. Even the pillows and blanket were neatly folded and crammed to one side of the bed. Preeti never liked her room in order. According to her the messier the room, the cozier it is.

“What’s up. Your room doesn’t look exactly like yours.” I mocked.

“Mom just left cleaning it. Don’t worry; everything will be flown to their different places within an hour. Have a sit.”

I sat on the bed facing her while she sat leaning on the bed. Her laptop was left on next to her.

“So..” I didn’t know where to begin. I had expected that she would tell me everything by herself.

She eyed to me in silence.

“So how are you?” I asked her.

“Good.”

“Hmm..and party?”

“It was good too.”

“What happened to you then?” I could not keep the curiosity inside anymore.

“Just that..I was feeling alone there.”

“Did anybody say you anything?”

“No.. no.” Her hands fidgeted in circular motion cuddling each other. She looked outward into nothing. Actually there was just a bare wall painted in light yellow; nothing to stare so long. There was clearly something that was constantly disturbing her.

“Then..You are hiding something from me. Tell it, Preeti.”

“I just... I think you should consider about Arnav again.”

“What!” I reacted as if someone said that world is going to perish in next hour- an absurd, meaningless joke.

“Yeah..I think..”

“I got what you think but why?”

“Arnav is paired up.”

The news was like a ball of fire just crossed my face travelling at an inch distance.

“Paired up? With whom? I mean...what kind of terrible things you are saying. I am sure you need to visit doctor very soon.”

“He is paired up with Manishaa.” She said it gentle.

I stood in repulse off the bed.

It was impossible. He never liked her that much. Even we had once talked about her where he had told me that she was too flashy, disoriented, noisy and shallow for him. They were like two different poles.

“Now I got you. You and Arnav have planned to make fool of me. Right! I knew it. Just because I missed the party you both wanted to play with me. And it must be your plan; not my Arnav’s. You little evil friend!” I pinched Preeti’s nose playfully.

“No. Seriously. How will I make you believe?”

“Oh. You need not to. ‘Cause I know that you are just pulling my leg. Okay! Let me call him. Then only you will stop.”

She sighed frustrated.

Then she instantly moved to her laptop and I could hear two dozens of tick-tock of keys pressed on the keyboard violently. Then she turned the laptop to me.

I bowed down to the laptop’s screen. The Facebook was open there and the account I was looking into was of Manishaa. In the recent updates, there was a notification saying that she had changed her relationship status from single to engaged two days back.

I scrolled down the screen and saw a big photo hovering the whole space. In that picture, Manishaa was wearing a tight black top showing her pumped out cleavage and was sitting next to Arnav holding his hand. Except them there were Kishore and two other guys from college and the fancy-girls gang whose leader was Manishaa. In photo it looked as Manishaa was forcing Arnav’s hand with her too hard.

 “Come on, Preeti. It’s just a group photo.” I argued with Preeti.

“Oh God! Please. Help me.” She said looking up, at the ceiling literally. I thought she was saying all this to her dusty ceiling fan.

She faced to me. “Listen. I don’t know what and how it happened but they are paired. That evening I got bit late to party and before I reached there, the announcement was done. Arnav is paired with Manishaa.” She said putting more stress on the last sentence.

The words penetrated me like someone had poked holes through out my whole body and poured concentrated acid into the fleshy holes.

“Enough is enough, Preeti. Stop this silly game. I’m damn serious now.” I flared in anger.

“I’m serious too, Ava. I know it’s difficult. Still try to..”

“What will I try? You think, you will say and I will agree that Arnav loves Manishaa now and all that happened were false. You want me to believe that Arnav doesn’t love me.”

She remained silent. I was acting like some notorious mental patient escaped from asylum in middle of her treatment.

“Preeti. Answer me. What’s the truth?” I looked straight into her eyes.

“Everything I said.”

“NO. NO.” I dropped onto my knees on floor. “No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No.” This time I could whisper only.

Eyes filled up with tear and everything before looked me hazy.  Chill ran up through back and busted into flame inside the skull. Every piece of flesh inside my body started to burn like scalding with boiling oil. An insidious pain gripped at chest, pulling me into a tight knot.

I threw my arms across me, my face dug in the gape of my knees and I held myself tight to stop the excruciating stimulus. Still there was something, deep inside excavating at heart. May be it was the memories I had with Arnav, digging up like a ten headed angle-dozer. With a blow, all the love started to sting like snake bite.

Preeti came running to my side and hugged me from above.

“It’s fine. Calm down. Please.” She also had no idea what to say in such a situation.

There were no shrills or shouts, just regretful empty sobbing. After an hour of it my throat went parched and tongue was sticky. Without making noise I had poured out enough to create a sprawled wet patch on my dress. Still I continued it, continued it till my eyes was dry and swollen and stomach retched weakly.

It was nonsensical to defy the reluctant truth but also unendurable to accept it. I lost Arnav forever. The truth slapped at my face each time I thought of him.

Preeti got me some water to drink. I took a gulp and it formed a scratchy lump at throat making me almost vomit on her carpet.

 Shit! Crap! Holy shit! I purged out everything. Thankfully I made it to her washroom.

Preeti came behind me and tapped my back. “It’s ok. Let it go.”

I wiped my mouth and returned to her room. “Sorry.” I said to Preeti.

“No. I’m sorry.” She cupped my face. Tears came up in her eyes too. “I’m sorry as I couldn’t do anything. I’m sorry ‘coz I didn’t punch that bloody face the moment I got to know it. Bloody asshole! ”

“It’s my fault. I should have known that it was just a game which is not going to last whole lifetime. I should have known.” I said and stormed out of her house.

My senses were blocked at ends. What I heard, what I saw and what I realized- those three were totally divergent to each other. My limbs felt wane. It was difficult to even walk in a line on the road. I could hardly see anything coming before me. After toppling over road-humps and bumping with some vehicles, with an untamed and intractable brain on top I somehow managed to reach home.

I knew at home Mom would be waiting for me and she was. They were waiting for me to have dinner.

I silently slid through the entrance and escaped to my room. I threw myself on the bed, buried face into a pillow and pouched another one over my head and stayed there in dark. Five minutes later I heard Mom next to my room.

“Are you fine, Ava?” She asked standing outside.

“Hmm.”

“What happened then dear? You are not coming for dinner?” She plodded in identifying silhouette over walls, tables and finally bed.

“Don’t have appetite for anything?”

“Are you having stomach-ache?”

“No.”

“Feeling nausea?”

“No.” I shrugged.

“Head ache? Let me give you a massage.”

“No. No ache.” How to tell her it was my heart who was aching and bleeding.

“Then period cramps?”

“No Mom? Please stop interrogating with different names of sufferings. You are not a doctor. Got that.”

“But I’m your mother.” She came and sat next to me, stroking my hair.

A silent tear dropped from eye tumbling down at arm to pillow. I clamped the gasp in the throat. A painful ripple traveled down the body contracting every muscle into spasm. I ignored the agony.

“Just bit tired Mom. Can I rest in your lap a bit?” Mom instantly took my head into her and started patting it. It was done so deliberately and involuntarily that it boogied my memory back to childhood days when I used to sleep with my mom. The magic of Mom’s lap still worked and I gradually drifted to sleep too.

One wise anonymous had told once chapped knees and broken toys are better than chapped feelings and broken heart. At that time I could understand the depth of those lines. In fact I wanted to list in undone homework, severe punishments with them as they were also nothing before this betrayal. It was more frustrating and harassing.

One day passed inside room but after that Mom prodded me out. I had to face others in family, though I stopped going out. I had no idea which occasion, function, celebration passed by. I didn’t know which reality show topped in charts or which movie bashed in box-office. I forgot which day or date it was. Even the acknowledgement of day and night was from whether lunch was served or dinner.

Preeti continuously kept calling me. She tirelessly sent me worried caring messages. And when I didn’t answer to any of them, she called home. But I ignored them too with miscellaneous excuses every time. I gave no attention to anything. I cut off every interaction from outer world. I was filled with hatred for all, even for myself. I hated myself then.

The only things that gave any solace were sad music and lots of crying. Whole day my room would float in darkness except the dull luminance invading through the ventilators and with some gloomy, ditching, slow broken-heart songs played on low volume. I’d be lying or curled around a pillow on bed for endless hours thinking of all those happy moments where Arnav was there and then again crying over it. Sometimes in the middle of night, I’d get up from sleeping, cry till eyes are tired and then would sleep again. Crying had become one inevitable chore in my daily routine.

Why! How! what! There were many provocative questions gnarled in my mind though heart was still unconvinced that Arnav betrayed me. Mind and heart leapt out into battle in defending themselves and I was stuck in them. Every time mind won the conflict, it got a gash on heart and with the victory of heart, mind would get slapped. There was an constant intrinsic war going on inside me and I started to get tired of it and one day they became unbearable. I decided to finish them.

Till that moment I only knew that I loved him a lot but after it, I acknowledged how much I loved him. I never knew living would be so hard that I would beg for its end.

I fished out the pencil knife from bag and swiped it open. The curved sharp edge was gleaming in dark like a smirk of ghost. My heart pounded heavily in rib. The face of Mom flashed before me at first. Her smiling face brought tears to my eyes. It was then followed by my Papa’s memory. Although I was not very close to Papa still I was his darling daughter and I knew it. And at last Preeti came to mind. The friendship, hug, sharing, laughing, crying, care, love, promises we shared - I was going to miss them a lot. The three closest people of my life; how would they feel if I do it?

But I wanted this excruciating farce to be over. Any how. I brought the knife close to my wrist. I closed my eyes, took a heavy breath, and swiftly crossed it over the skin. A sharp twitch sensation prowled out on the inch of skin on which the blade was swiped. I watched it. Tiny drops of blood oozed out from it. It was not too deep to cut through all the layers of skin. I decided to try harder next time.

Again I repeated myself through the same steps. Closed my eyes, took a heavy breathe and steeled myself for a harder stroke this time and held it next to the previous cut. Knock! Knock!