Wednesday, May 15, 2013


Sorry! If the pic is scary...can't help! Found in google!
Look into my eyes,
Say you see regained hope in them.

Watch my dreams,
Say they are alive and insane.

Touch my hands,
Say you feel the warmth in seams.

Listen to my heart,
Say it is still there beating.

Kiss my lips,
Say they are they tender and moving.

Embrace me into you,
And say I’m the survivor and victim,
A dreg of unwavering hope and life,
A survivor of all the inflict. 

P.S : I know it's not perfectly rhyming or falling into perfect place but what I want to convey is not also perfect. Not the heinous acts nor cruel punishment what scares me is rather the fact that the one has to live in this society where she is treated with unwanted empathy and unavoidable grudge making her a fuming news on air. In the tussle of good and evil, justice and injustice, modernity and prejudice, within the thousand roaring voice and her own screaming wean cry, where is her place. Now this is what shudders me to core.

P.S.S: Well! I'm not feminist. But accepting the real scenario makes me feminist, then I happily embrace the appellation. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

To My Grave

source-google image

Dear Mom, Dad and guys,
Time to pretend you’re brave
Put me in something nice,
As I’m going to my grave.

Put that one-eared brown monkey in,
Also that baby blue sweater,
Than all the places I have been,
Now I’m going to feel much colder.

Get me that milky tooth,
left under bed for tooth-fairy,
Embedded in a small ring,
Wear me before you bury.

Don’t forget Mom’s red saree,
As that will be my shroud,
And bring the medals on T.V,
That made my Daddy proud.

And also the broken video game,
That brother never let me play,
Now that I have ample time,
Down there I’ll learn the game.

Also fetch that soldier uncle’s big gun,
Tell him I asked if he denies,
I’ll take down that hatred machine,
Before it becomes reason of demise.

Finally bring me those dry rose petals,
Beneath the green diary I hid,
Don’t tell him how I got so brittle,
Tell I love him more for what he did.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

A quick Peek!

I know I'm bit late..And I'm sorry..Sorry that I'm writing my 50th post in such hurry whereas I wanted to make it really really special..As they say sometimes FATE just can't stop meddling..and also KARMA is a b!@$%h. (Are Karma and Fate same?? DOn't know!)

Well! I've two minutes left in MOther's day. SO have to make it really fast. HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY to all the mothers in the whole world. If you are a mother I love you too. And if you are not then also I love you. As I believe MOTHERHOOD doesn't come by giving birth to a child..rather it comes by loving others unconditionally and selflessly. :) :)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Truth

The truth
That you flanked and I denied,
That you plunged and I survived.

The truth
That throve on your hunger and disguised my love,
That was your amuse but my only job.

The truth
That you ditched and I caved,
That you flinched and I saved.

The truth
That smelled of your alcohol and my blood,
That craved for your mercy and my nerve.

The truth
That was intense than death and colder than ice,
That was cruel than rapist and played on dice.

The truth
That there was only you and I was a lie,
As the truth is free, I can happily die.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


I rolled into my bed as soon as I got into my room. I had faked of being tired and full of food and scurried to room. In the same dress I lumped to bed. Unknowingly and unintentionally a fat drop of tear streamed down the cheek. It was soaked into the pillow as I quilled myself into a lifeless ball. 

My phone buzzed in bag which I had neglected on floor. I didn’t want to move, even an inch. It must be Preeti again, in the mood to pull leg. I closed eyes tight shut, trying to forget and just accept the truth that I’m safe and whatever happened that was just an accident and could happen to anyone. Thanks to the eternity, Madhav was there in time.

Madhav? Damn! He is waiting for my call.

Before I decided to get up or not my legs were out of the bed and running to the clumped bag on floor. My instinct was correct.

“You reached home?”

There was this message on phone and immediately trailed with another one.
“Are you there? Reached home safely?”

The care and concern that was enveloped with it felt like a punch on deep core. It filled me with guilt. He did so much for me and I only hurt him in return.

I texted back. “Ya. In home. Safe. Thank you.”

I wanted to write Be safe too but I didn’t. I didn’t know whether it’s the perfect time to make any advance.

About half an hour later, the phone beeped in the silent room. I was wide-eyed till then, far away evaded from sleeping.

Still awake”

Well! It was some question or accusation. The unusual timing and correctness of his surmise was totally mismatching. It felt like his eyes watching me from somewhere.

“Yeah. almost.”

“Awake? Good then.”

“Good?” I rolled onto my back and shifted to lean over headrest on the pile of pillows while punching the keys on phone.

“Good as I forgot to tell you something. Ask what?”

Ask what? Why will I?

Again his message broke my silent conversation with myself.

“Arey ask what?”

I rolled my eyes and messaged back. “WHAT?”

“You looked awesome today. So beautiful that it won’t be his fault if anyone chases after you. Even you were a great distraction while driving. I had to be extra careful not to take any wrong turn or hit anyone.”

A small smile finally vanquished all the negativity and found its way to my face and stayed a long time till another message banked in my phone.

“Can I call you?Plz.”

It was probably midnight and the whole house was trapped in dead silence. Even I could hear the gruelling hums of refrigerator downstairs or it was my heartbeat.
Without waiting for my answer, my phone buzzed to noise or let’s say the ringtone that Preeti had set a few days back. It startled me so much that I was almost there on the floor.

The phone fidgeted in my hands for two more seconds till I found the correct button and pressed it.

“Hello.” I hissed as low as possible.

“Hey. Sorry. It was impossible to wait more for your answer.”

Answer? Was I expected for any answer? OH! Now I remember I was to send yes or no. But what I was to say I had already forgotten. All that centred in my mind right now was not to get caught talking with him.

“Again thinking?” He spoke. His voice was like a lull.

“Hmm..nah. Just..”

“Your silence is lot better than waiting for the messages.”


“Seriously.” He sounded both cheesy and truth. “That’s why I called you. Now you know at least someone with zero patience.”

“But my papa says patience is the most needed virtue.”

“Ah! What else does he say?” His fun laced tone mocked me.

“He says many other things.”


“Like early to bed keep you and your mind healthy.”

“Wow! Great.” His pretended as if he didn’t know. Of course he knew it unless he didn’t go to kindergarten at all and didn’t have to sing all those rhyme for thousand times. 

“So it’s time to bed. Bye. Goodnight.” I said.

“Hey..wait. What’s there to hurry? Come on. It’s been just a few minutes. And half of the time you were lost somewhere in thoughts.”

I checked the time. It was twelve thirty. By this time, in general I was supposed to be firmly tucked in bed. But this guy has stormed everything in and out. I was still ambivalent about him, but my heart seemed on rivalry.

“Helloo..Again gone? At least tell me where you get disappeared in middle. Sometimes it’s scary to have you like this.”

“Umm..I was thinking.”

“Yeah.I know but what were you thinking about? Or Who?” His sentence ended with a speculative mock.

“You.” The moment the word slipped I regretted the most the in my life. I had no place to hide. Though it was dark in my room, I was so much blushing out of embarrassment that just wanted to creep under bed.

“Oho! About me. See! I’m encroached in your mind too. Now it won’t take much time before your heart will be after me.”

“Really?” I had to somehow make up the situation. “I was thinking how my life has been drastically turned upside down since the day you intruded into it.”
“That’s true.” He was barely audible to me as if he was speaking for himself. “I’m the one.”

“I didn’t mean so.”

“Nah! You are right. I’m the only one to put you into danger and believe me I’m never going to forgive myself for plunging you into such danger. If I were not there you would have never gone to that fucking place and we wouldn’t have to deal with them.”

And if he weren’t there we would be lying torn and naked in some dark corner or road side or thrown into water. I shuddered even on the thought of it. The whole thing was going to be real just for my stupidity and how many times I have to repeat this to him.

The conversation was taking the turn which I didn’t want it to go. But this was also the perfect chance to dig out the exact matter.

“Maddy, what did you say to them? I mean you were talking something really alien to us. What did you exactly tell them?

“Nothing much. I just told them that these girls are with me. So they better leave them.”

“Wow! And they obeyed you?”

“Hm. Then they asked who is with you? I told them both. You are my girlfriend and Preeti is my sister.”

I sighed to lessen the intense blow of gratitude I was feeling. This guy was slowly turning into some superhero to me.


“And I told them I know who they are and it’s not a good place to put everything in danger just for two girls.”

“You know them?”

“Not exactly. I just guessed.”

“But how?” I wondered, loudly.

There was silence from his side. I thought the call was interrupted but he was silent as if he was lost in thoughts, like me.

“Madhav, you there?”

“Hm.” He nodded.

“How do you know them?” The curiosity inside me propelled to repeat the question without measuring the risk.

“You saw the tattoo on their arms?”

I had totally forgotten to register them into notice but they weren’t something anyone can ignore. They were monstrous, scary and dark matching their piercing gaze. Their both arms were inked with unreadable large motifs and letters.

“Those tattoos?”

“Yeah. Some certain cults bear those tattoos. Those are mostly from other countries. They were from Spain.”

I was listening to him so attentively that I forgot my usual nodding.

“Ava, you slept?”

“Ah? No..I was thinking.”

“What?” He demanded.

“I was just..nothing. Forget it.”

“Ava. What were you thinking?” His ice cold voice spoke.

“Just that..” I gulped down the dry lump in throat. “How did you know how to deal with them and that also you gave them so much money.”

“It’s fine Ava.” There was heavy sigh from his side. “All that matters now that you are safe.”

“Hm.” I whispered.

“Ava.” That’s all he said before taking a long pause.


“Will you promise me that you won’t ever do it again?  No matter what happens. Just never do it. Please.”

It was hard to think now as if someone had clamped down all the ways through which thoughts travelled. I didn’t know whether our relationship was that much strong and stable to exchange any promise. I even didn’t know whether any relationship existed between us.

“Ava? You are again thinking?”

“Nah! I was just pondering over the fact that..”

I shifted the conversation to somewhere else. I very well sensed the somber things to come and I would have no answer to them. So I repeatedly kept shifting topics, rambling about nonsenses, talking about things that barely related any of us but just useful to keep those broody things away. I rotated, turned, balled and flattened all the topics I could till the words were lost to unconsciousness. All that I remembered he was all awake till end.

In morning I woke up, lying across the opposite side of my bed. Pillows were wriggled all around me and my hairs were hanging from the edge of bed over my face. I looked someone who had undergone exorcism. The phone was ringing on my side.

I picked up without looking into the screen.

“Hey sleepyhead, Get up now.” His musical voice breezed to my ear.

It was unmistakably Madhav’s voice. “Hmm.Good morning.” I spoke lamely to him.

“Very good morning my angel. Now get up. Won’t you go to college today? You have to submit your assignment. Right?”

Angel? Huh! He has nickenamed too. I appreciatively gave it a tight smile, still half slept.

“Yeah. I’ll. But just five minutes more.”

“Do you know the time?”

“Uuumm..” I looked at the watch and it was ten minutes to seven. My whole body sprung into crouch.

“Calm down.”

“No. I have to run. I’ll talk to you later.” I made plan within that. No bath. Just change the cloth and run to bus.

“Wait. No need to hurry for bus.”

“What are you saying? Preeti will be here in any minute. I have to run.”

“No. Listen. You get ready. I’ll pick you up today.”

“No. No you can’t.” I was worried. What if anyone will see us at college?  I didn’t want to publicize my relationship. Not at least now.

“Don’t worry and don’t argue. You have exactly twenty minutes till I come to your stoppage. If you are not there, I’ll get to your home.” His tones sounded like order of alpha male.

“No. It’s fine. I’ll come.”

“Then go and get ready. And don’t forget to call Preeti. If she also wants to join, then she is welcome.”

“Okay. Bye.” I eneded the call and hurried myself to bathroom with dialling to Preeti on phone.

Preeti received it. “Hey Ava. I’m just at your door.”

“Stop.” I screamed and her feet halted, I could hear it.

“What happened?” She sounded worried.

“Nothing. Just..hmm... I just got up now and I was to get ready for college bus but...Madhav said he can take me to college. Soo..”

“Ohh..” Her Ohh.. was really long with an accused note at the end. “So planning to go with boyfriend alone. Hm?”

“Nothing like that Preeti. I said you that I got up late and I am late now. Still if you want I can get ready for bus.”

“No need to.” She said it firm. “I was just pulling your leg.”

“Hmm..No. Give me five minutes. I’ll come with you.”

“No. You go with Maddy. No need to rush for bus when you have such a handsome driver. ”

“Preeti.” I moaned.

She laughed wildly on phone. “Okay. See you at college.”

“Listen. He said you can also join us.”

“He said or you are saying to console me for leaving alone?”

“No dear. I swear, he said it.”

“Fine. But I don’t want to ruin your romance. I can manage alone. And it’s just about going to college. Isn’t it?”

“Hmm.” I nodded. “Preeti?”


“Am I doing anything wrong?” I asked her threatened.

Source-Google Image
“No darling. You are not. You are exactly what one should do when they are in love.” Her words assured me..

Love? Boyfriend? Isn’t too fast to name all these stuff?

Thursday, May 2, 2013


A tenor voice penetrated the perilous silence. As I forced my eyes open, all that I got to see was a big figure outstretched before me. The nimbus around it and the glow dejected from its body made it shine like a diamante statue. After that I blinked a few times, my visions got bit unclouded and I could see someone before me. But he was so big I saw only rear of it and all that I comprehended was a fine white fabric and a dark rough material converging in the middle. I craned to have a better view at him. Wait! Do I know him?  
Hell! Yes!

As slowly the graceful human turned slowly and bent to me, I saw him more properly.

Maddy! Or Madhav! Well he was expected. Wasn’t he? But how did he know this where to find us!
“Ava? Can you hear me? Ava??” His hands cupped my face. The burning heat of his skin seared through my cold cheek springing some life.

I want to yell yes to him or at least furiously shake my head up and down. My muscles were jammed or something. I only blinked at him, a slow and heavy blink.

He heaved a long sigh which looked like venting all the pent up anxiety. My throat was so parched and sticky that didn’t allow to even turn the tongue.

Soon I saw a hand with water coming to me. I looked up and found Preeti above me. I was probably lying in her lap. The water tasted like elixir as the stickiness dissolved into it and I at least move my tongue now.

I pulled my hand but it’s nowhere to be moved. I tried again. Damn! Why am I paralysed? I tried this time with all my force determined to the finger and pulled it up.With a fierce force it moved and slammed in a sharp twitch on my face. Wince! I never knew I could slap so hard.

A subtle smile speared Madhav’s face. He held my hand and pulled me along with him onto my feet. I slowly inched as he showed his patience to stand up along with me at my speed. As soon as I got to stand, I found two pair of piercing dark gaze bored at m face. The familiar dizziness returned again. I knew the next was to lose all my senses and crumble down.

“Ava. Here.” Madhav got me some water and also saved me from passing out.

He turned to those onlookers and spoke to them. “¡Hermanos!  Espero  que  adivinar  lo  que  va  a  pasar  con  usted  y  le  posesiones  si  te  pillan  aquí.  No  es  un  buen  lugar  o el  tiempo  para  estar  en  la  cárcel. Créeme!  Sé  lo  que  eres. ” The hold on calmness that Madhav mantained, amazed me. Also the language he spoke so fluently.

But what is he speaking?

Now both of the supposed-to-be-bad guys were in front him. On their feet, they stood at least half a foot taller than both of us girls and a few inches than Madhav too. It looked like they touched the roof with their heads.

Madhav took a long breath in and watched over us from the corner of eyes. They looked at Madhav for while, also inspecting us too. May be they were seeking an answer from us but then again I didn’t know what they were talking about and I’m sure Preeti wasn’t aware of this alien language too.

Then they interchanged a look with each other. “Pero lo que conseguimos dejar estas bellezas?

Madhav’s hand pushed through his hair, napping at his neck finally. Then he fished through pocket and took out a brown lathered wallet.

Before I could ask for anything, he flashed out a heavy bundle of money and flicked it on their direction. “That’s all I have right now.”

Aw! What is he giving money for?  For our cokes? I didn’t know cokes were so expensive in this place.

The guys nodded at him, took the money and flicked their finger through the notes, as if checking how many were there. Duffers! No one count money like that except machine!

Now Madhav’s strong grip was on both of our arms while he ushered us at the door. I perplexed. I wanted to look over my shoulder at those guys again but I was too terrified to do so. What if they come after me again?

As soon as we were out, I realized that I was holding my breath from a long time. At least long enough to be reckoned as dead. My knees weakened and I slipped on the ground, breathing heavily.

Madhav was on my side, relaxing me, his hands rubbing along both my arms, forging me to calm down. After that my huffing relented, he swiftly swung me to his arms without giving me a break to protest.

Our face was so close that I could feel his breath on mine. It was hot like rest of his body. His hand was under my shoulder and behind my knees electrifying me and mine were encircled around his neck and I really had no idea what they did to him. I tried hard but could not dart my eyes away from his face. He never looked away from the path but I could sense that he was aware of my constant stare on him.

As soon as we reached the car, he went to the front seat and settled me in there and moved straight to the driver’s side and waited there till Preeti slipped into the back seat.

He also waited till I put on my seat belts and then revved up the engine. It went to live with a silent hum. The ride was unusually silent though words were in hurricane inside me. I just wanted to cast them out.

Preeti was first among us to break the ominous quietness. “Hey Maddy! Can you pull in to that store? I need to have something from there.”

He didn’t answer and obediently pulled up the car in parking. Our eyes greeted in the front mirror and Preeti looked at me in an indicting manner for a brief moment before stepping out. The sinster silence with lots of awkwardness was back into place.

I mustered some courage. It felt like the most devastated moment in my life. The anger for him was now melting into gratitude and despite all effort my heart was betraying me for him.

He was unusual speechless and stoned in his seat gripping the steering wheel white knuckled.

“I’m sorry.” I finally gathered up and spoke those words. He remained still as if there was a barrier between us that soak up all the words before they could reach him.

“I’m so so sorry.” I was practically begging at him this time. Tears stung into my eyes and that’s all I could say that moment though I wanted to a lot more than that. I wanted to thank him every possible way that will make him feel how grateful I’m to his abrupt appearance to our rescue. I wanted to thank him so much that that will break the solemn mask he was wearing. It was making feel more guiltier with each passing moment.

 Also I wanted to tell him how he did so much more than our expectation that it did hurt my ego and it’s my ego that drove all to the danger. I wanted to tell him how stupid I felt of being whole responsible of bringing up the plan. I wanted to tell how wrongfully stubborn I was from the beginning though all I intended is to save me from another emotional wreckage. But I had a lot of confusion fogging my brain now.

He nodded furiously, still looking out at the moving crowd.  It looked like he was shivering. “It’s my fault.” He whispered. His words blew over me and tears violently rushed into eyes. Why is he blaming himself for all that I did?

“Hey.” His hands flung to me but interrupted just before they touched my face. The stretched fingers barely making any contact to my skin curled into a tight fist and went back to his lap.

It hurt me more to see him hurt like this. I knew he was blaming himself for all these whereas he was the one who saved us from all these. A sob of guilt rose up in my throat, wanting choke down the breath.

“Please. Please don’t cry.” He was looking down in the most possible deplorable way like he was punishing himself for everything.

“You didn’t do anything. We should not have gone there.”

“And I should know that you were there. But I was a brainless asshole not to do that.” He snapped me with his words in middle leaving me in shock. “If anything had happened, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself for impending this on you.”

His words were so dark, intense and sharp that they pierced and weighed down my heart.


“But that’s not fair, Ava. If you want I can take to any place you lay your finger on map. If you want I can bring anything to you wish. If you want I will turn any impossibility to work. If you want I’m ready run after you for my whole life like these. I’m ready to play all these games but..” He paused. “But playing along with you security...putting your guard’s just not fair, Ava. Just not fair.”
I nodded.

“Next time anything that you do, just inform me or just leave a cue. I just don’t want you to do anything that will drag you into danger and if that’s what not gonna happen, I’ll fuck myself out of your life forever. You get that, Ava.” He mumbled with vice...and pain...and anger...and something that I failed to recognise.  
His words shuddered my core. I just wanted to say that no game is needed anymore. He needs not to go through any more tests. But I was too numb to speak anything or too scared.

His eyes were shut tight and his hands went through his hair, ruffling it more. The soft, brown strand now looked dark mop in the light coming through the street lamp. Even in that darkness I could clearly see how resenting he looked.
Suddenly the back door was open and Preeti barged into there.

“Sorry guys, I took much time. Shall we go?” Her words rushed out. “And Maddy! Thanks a lot.”

Our eyes met in the front mirror and she nodded me in askance. I ignored it and dejectedly looked out at the window. I had enough through the day to call it off and just impatiently waiting to soon get back to home. I just wanted to get to my room and curl into bed. I hoped I will get some sleep past the horror that now clouded my mind.

Suddenly my mobile beeped. It was some message. I slowly pulled it out from the bag.

Preeti? Why is she texting sitting just a foot away from me?

I wondered and opened the message. “Did you say him sorry?” I stared at it for a while and texted back the answer.


“Did you say him Thanks?” Again another message arrived.

“Yes.” I answered back.

“Did you kiss him?”

Hell! Why will I? And that also now? I remained silent as it seemed totally meaningless to answer such absurd question.

Again my phone beeped another message. “Did you kiss him? He looks really disheveled  And really sexy. And blown out too. ;) 

It was more than I could take now. She should know that I was in no mood to tolerate any kind of emotional extremity, even if it’s some kind of tingling sensation.

I turned back and started to holler edging all of them to surprise. “No Preeti. I didn’t.I didn’t even touch him and all the time he was admonishing me what to do and not to do. Except that we didn’t do anything. May be you could have waited a while and it might have happened.” By the end of it I was trembling. Face burned with anger and feet went totally numb. I was a merge of fire and ice.

Both of them were dumbfounded. Preeti was staring at me or perhaps still trying to process all that I told to her and Madhav kept driving at the same rate, not ever caring to slow down. After a moment that I realized what I had screamed at her, irritation stirred into shame. It felt like someone had bared me down.

Just then both of them flung themselves to laughter and I was the laughing-stock. I went all red and mortified. It was like I could almost see blood through my skin. The embarrassment doubled up as they shared a high-five. Preeti kept giggling while Madhav’s laugh deduced to a sly smirk. I forced myself to look over the window, ignoring everything else behind.
Madhav dropped us the same place where he had picked us. I hurried out when he held my wrist and slightly pulled me down.

“Your phone.” His fingers draped over my phone. “You left it here.”

I didn’t speak anything and reached out to take when he yank it back to him.

“Call me when you reach home. I’ll be waiting here till you call. At least till I get a text.” And handed me the phone.

I stared at it for seconds. Why is he doing so much me? Is it usual to be so much cared?

I stepped out into the chill of night. Preeti was waiting outside the car. She didn’t speak a word but a mischievous expression never left her face and every time she looked at me from the corner of eyes, I used to sink more into embarrassment.

I rolled into my bed as soon as I got into my room. I had faked of being tired and full of food and ran into room. In the same dress I lumped into bed. Unknowingly and unintentionally a fat drop of tear streamed down the cheek. It was soaked into the pillow and quailed myself into a lifeless ball.